The Vagina Monologues (excuse the redundancy)

When I was in fifth grade I wanted to do a report on domestic violence for my elementary benchmark. I told my parents and they were over-joyed that such a young man would take interest in protecting his fellow creature. Then my best friend stole the idea and got a better grade. I was crushed.

I can look back on the event now as an allegory for my life. I meet a nice girl, talk friendly, take her out to eat, but then suddenly she is stolen away by some guy whose more bold and brash, and smokes a lot of pot. Two years later I'll find out he beats on her in tune to Bob Seger, and I am like, well *sigh* I sided with Troilus.

[That was a extremely vague literary reference for the slow. For the quick, you can insult me]

So when the vagina monologues came to campus I wondered about it, I even read this article in our college newspaper, which depressed me. Here is a teaser, and by teaser I mean very gay:

For me, the most shocking fact was that women were by far the primary audience. Therein lies the problem. We live in a “man-made” country with predominantly male leaders, in a world where men wage war, yet very few men fight for the day-to-day protection of their female counterparts. I can only pretend that my naïveté precluded me from doing something to help women earlier.

This kid is obviously out of the "loop", the loop, that is, that should be relieving him of life. It's paramount to our popular culture to mistreat women. Don't believe me. I'll have you know that I was a studious fifth grader and I uncovered some sexual dimorphism that'll turn some heads, and by sexual dimorphisms I mean boobs, big fake boobs; ok, really though, in fifth grade I translated some greek and roman texts and this is what one said:

As a man may grow, he will find the opposite sex increasingly appetizing, so much so he may have an uncontrollable elongation of body parts and wild compulsions to rub it vigorously. This is all well and good. Do not be frightened. In this time he will also note similiar compulsions in his lady friends, it is wise for him to seek reciprocation of said compulsion at every proper interval. He should not allow these same rights for the women though. Ones that submit early and often to his carnal desires shall be called a strumpet or easy, she shall be mocked and her desires used against her (for entertainment and what not). The man shall be praised as mr. super sweet. The reason we do this to women, is one they're too emotional to ever rationalize the diachotomy and, of course, because it feels super super good.

Praetorian Prefect Augustus

Ok, so I never read that in fifth grade, nor did I feel entirely moral while writing it. But it brings a vivid point to the fore. Women don't neccessarily ask for the treatment they receive, but early on in our development, the social norms and nervous insecurity that haunts us all provides a certain precedence that men never, never want to lose (i.e. teenage girls sleep around).

Unfortunately all women aren't massive sluts in high school or college, although many are, and today, our society seems to be vying for equality of whore men and women as a normalcy. You may remember a certain Aguilerra (do not care about spelling) song that bemoaned the inequalities between slut men and women. Something to the effect of, if guys can be sluts, why can't women. Great frikin message, great. Hope my lil' sis takes after that floozy. I think she forgot that not all men are tramps, some of us actually have brilliant minds that we like to use to solve stuff and belittle people. Or something like that.

Aguilera is a moron, Tucker Max's recent fame seals the deal; women like to be mistreated, they love assholes, and as the bumper sticker says good women rarely make it into history, other than say: Mary Shelley, Mother Teresa, Joan of Ark, Mary, Pocahontas, that other indian lady, Penelope, Margaret Fuller (maybe not), Sojourner, Hypatia, Rusticiana, &c.

Point is people have no idea what they're talking about. The VM's are a publicity stunt so one woman could get rich and famous, much like Michael Moore (or big buffoon), John Kerry, Bush, our government, everything we know as Americans has turned into a political stunt to gather your pittiances and adoration. You are, on average, a group of drooling morons who'll never understand the true underpinnings of society...that being, life is hell.

Only the ugly ones complain anyway.

Wankers

I will begin the lesson of the day with a joke. Okay, ready? kanye west! wasn't that funny? WOW. I usually write in lower case (chalk it up to sloth, but I specifically wrote kanye west's name in lower case to demonstrate the extreme degree to which i loathe and disrespect him). You see, it was yesterday that a friend introduced me to his music (she was promptly struck with my hand) and I entered into a state of disbelief; a state that I haven't yet left.

You see, not only is west one of so many despicable and vacuous rap/hip-hop/r&b artists (yes, they might as well all be the same) by which we are beleaguered endlessly, but he has recently appeared on the cover of a major, and once respectable, music magazine, wearing a crown of thorns in the image of Christ with a subtitle reading "The Passion of Kanye". More like passion of extreme douche!

Apparently, west was involved in a terrible auto accident, and "miraculously" survived, at which point (like any dumb person does) he sought GOD, his savior and protector from any scars and defects that might hamper his amateur career and pretty face. So it only seemed reasonable, to him, to paste his face on a worldwide publication and desecrate his Lord by mocking his image and playing on the title of a ridiculous movie that also insulted (and banked on) his holiness.

What I can't understand is the fact that the Western religious world has yet to recoil in response to this display. However, with late reports of more child molestation cases by Catholic priests, I can understand that the priorities of the church may be slightly skewed (thanks to father mccormick).

I encourage all sane people to commit suicide. It seems puerile to even try to make sense in the face of such retardation. To live in such a backward age would make any sensible man want to move to the yukon territory and live off lichens and mouse droppings. Let us organize an exodus.